I don’t know about you, but when my teenage daughter starts getting emotional, I start praying for the Second Coming.

One night she was very anxious about a test the next morning. She is a straight A student and worries a lot about her grades. She was making an A+ in this particular class and had been studying very regularly for the test. However, she was in tears that she might fail the test, which in her mind is anything below an A.

As she was crying, I was thinking, “Are you kidding – you’re a straight A student? It’s just a stupid test and you’ll probably ace it anyway. C’mon. This is, like, so Junior High. Just snap out of it, will ya?”

She could tell I wasn’t listening. She could also sense what I was thinking by the look on my face. That not only made her pull away from me, it now added shame to her feelings of anxiety.

How do you think God listens to us?

Do you think God really listens to our prayers, or do you think He skims them the way we skim blogs, listening for the big ideas? “Okay, what do we have today – ‘new job, ‘need patience, ‘lust control’ – I got it.” When David fumed about how much he hated his enemies, did his honest emotions make God uncomfortable? Do you suppose the Lord was thinking, “David, asking me to crush someone’s skull is not a very nice thing to say, so stop it.”

I think God wants to hear all our honest emotions. I really think He listens not only to what we pray, but to the emotions behind what we pray. Just before Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, John tells us that He saw the tears of his sisters and responded to their pain. The text tells us simply, “Jesus wept.”

What’s astounding to me about that passage is that Jesus knew He would be resurrecting Lazarus in a matter of minutes, but He still identified with their feelings. He didn’t say, “Ladies, believe in my sovereignty,” or “Stop your crying and trust Me,” or “Now, now, everything’s going to be okay.” He cried because they were sad.

He wasn’t reacting – raising Lazarus was part of His original plan; it’s why He waited until Lazarus was dead before He returned. He wasn’t manipulated – the sisters’ grief was genuine sadness and even anger at His tardiness. Rather, Jesus was attentive to their words and tears. He listened to their emotions and was moved.

I want to become a man like that toward my daughters, my son and my wife.

M. Scott Peck in his best-selling classic, The Road Less Traveled, said that the greatest way we can show love to others is by listening to them. John Gottman amplifies that thought in his book, Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child. He says that our kids pick up our values the most when they see how we tend to them when they are experiencing their worst emotions: anger, fear, anxiety and sadness.

I would put it another way. Our kids develop their view of God by how we attend to them when they are emotionally vulnerable. Their understanding of the gospel is largely shaped by their experience of the gospel through us. We show our kids what God is like by how we listen to them.

When my daughter gets emotional now I find myself not praying for the Second Coming, but for Jesus’ example of listening to become real in me.

Ben Burns encourages High School Students to stay strong in the faith – check out his website for more details and for how you can invite Ben to YOUR school! www.gradguides.org

UNEXPECTED JOURNEY – When Special Needs Change Our Course

Authors: Joe and Cindi Ferrini

(Articles, books, access to interviews at the end of this article)

 MARRIAGE MATTERS-and so do other relationships!

Imagine five people lying side by side on the waterbed, Lavoie said. If one person moves the whole family feels it. “If there’s a special needs child, that bed can really get moving.” A learning disability can also create discord in a couple’s marriage, he said. The divorce rate in the U.S. is 50 per cent. But in families with a learning disability it’s closer to 70 per cent. (Authors note: and since then some say, 80%)
Sarnia Observer (Ontario), 11/8/05 

Because of these statistics, many are single parents, but whether single or married, we need the support of others.

Building a strong marriage needs to be done in all aspects of that marriage:  emotionally, physically, and spiritually – and its hard work! This short blog will share some tips that will also coincide with the INCLUSION FUSION Nov. 3-5. A “stay at home” conference with Key Note speaker Chuck Swindoll: http://drgrcevich.wordpress.com/2011/09/07/announcing-our-keynote-speaker-for-inclusion-fusion-2011-chuck-swindoll/

In order to make marriage work, Joe and I have had to Divide and Conquer! That would mean splitting up and one of us accomplishing something while the other “mans the fort”. It’s not always our first choice, not fun, but it’s what works! The idea for YOU, is to consider how this technique would work for you. Here are a few ways we made it work: 

1-      In the early days, one of us would go to church. The other would stay home with Joey (and our girls, sometimes). The one at home would bundle up and pack up the car with the children, meet whoever was at church and trade places. That worked during those years when we could have Joey with us IN church and when there was no place to put him AT church.

2-      If Joe was asked to speak somewhere or meet with someone, I’d be the one to manage things at home, and he would do the same for me when I’d have opportunity to go out.

Additionally it’s important to Pamper Your Marriage!  We can’t do life as usual for very long without some kind of relief from the pressures of caring for another’s full-time needs. You can join at INCLUSION FUSION for the full topic, but here are a few ideas to make marriage work when one is caring for another with special needs:

 Plan intimacy

 Take time to sit and talk, hold hands, take a walk

Grocery shop together and make a recipe together.

Plan a weekend away when you have opportunity. Just don’t forget to come home.

Talking Things  It Out is crucial to a marriage. That takes time. Here are a few ideas (more will be shared at INCLUSION FUSION) that will help you think what might work for YOU:

 Write out “care issues”

Talk through decisions until mutually coming to an agreement (working through smaller pieces of the decision rather than the big chunk)

Offer solutions without judging or jumping to conclusions

Show respect for each other’s ideas

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS certainly include extended family – the children we have and our own siblings. This relationship can be tricky because we to accept help but not take advantage of those who offer help.

We wanted all of our own children to be treated the same but knowing there are some things the person with special needs would need that they won’t. Because of that, we were careful not to ask or expect our own children to care for our son unless we asked them to do so like we would of a babysitter, and then followed through with also financially compensated them. We never wanted them to feel obligated all the time to care for their brother.

We made sure to have family rules, which included the Golden Rule in Matthew 7:12, “Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do so for them” and Mark 12:31, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” If we could follow that, we thought we’d be able to set a good example for our children, neighbors, teachers, etc. Also, we always desired to work as a TEAM (Together Each Accomplishes More).

Family meetings and goal planning were always tops on our list as a family, so we knew we were all on the same page, and no one could say they felt left out or unimportant. Everyone had a “say” at our meetings!

OTHERS:Friends , teachers, aides, administrators, people at church (see: http://www.keyministry.org/  and http://www.joniandfriends.org/church-relations) are folks to keep near us for the well being and help in development and learning of our child with special needs. Our goal? BUILD BRIDGES rather than BURN BRIDGES. These people will give us help in getting to the next step of life. Not everyone will be able to help and be a part of our child’s journey, but it’s important to give as much help and advice (to those willing to learn) so they can be of help and assistance for YOUR life journey. Not all advice we will receive will be helpful, but we can accept it, try it, and use what works – disregarding the rest.

We look forward to being with you Nov. 3-5 at: http://drgrcevich.wordpress.com/inclusion-fusion-2011-speakers-and-topics – join us, will you!?

Articles by and Interviews with Joe and Cindi:

Familylife Today – 3 days of programming called Unexpected Journey from their book (2/09) UNEXPECTED JOURNEY – WHEN SPECIAL NEEDS CHANGE OUR COURSE

June 29, 2009 Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine interview Joe and Cindi on FAMILYLIFE today radio. Topic: Facing a Painful Reality:
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3789887&ct=7133605

June 30, 2009 Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine of FAMILYLIFE TODAY interview Joe and Cindi. The topic is: Embracing Life’s Changes: http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3781143&ct=7048085

July 1, 2009 Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine of FAMILYLIFE TODAY interview Joe and Cindi on the topic, “Love: A Day to Day Assignment”:
http://www.familylife.com/site/apps/nlnet/content3.aspx?c=dnJHKLNnFoG&b=3781143&ct=7133605

Online Broadcasts:

Start Your Family: Becoming Parents of a Special Needs Child: (An interview with the Ferrini’s)

http://www.startyourfamily.com/2009/05/becoming-parents-of-a-special-needs-child.html

Need Project: – UNEXPECTED JOURNEY: (Ministry NEED PROJECT)

http://www.needproject.org/casts/podcast1033.mp3

Focus on the Family

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY –Special Needs and Marriage – module of 1 overview and 6 articles in a series for their on-line magazine: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/marriage_challenges/special-needs-and-marriage.aspx

Excerpt Article from UNEXPECTED JOURNEY – WHEN SPECIAL NEEDS CHANGE OUR COURSE – one article in a series: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_challenges/parenting_a_special_needs_child.aspx

RADIO: Focus on the Family interview taped July 20, 2011 for airing January 2012.

BOOKS:

Unexpected Journey, When Special Needs Change Our Course – Dr. Joe and Cindi share their journey of caring for their son with special needs and their parents with Alzheimer’s.

Balancing the Active Life – an interactive Bible study for anyone of any age – the goal of this 13-week study is to challenge and encourage the participant to prioritize the activities they believe are the most important in their life, with Christ being the center and the focus of all that they do.

Get it Together – an organizational planner

‘Tis the Season – a Christmas planner to keep the holiday less stressful and more meaningful

Online Broadcasts: 

Start Your Family: Becoming Parents of a Special Needs Child: (An interview with the Ferrini’s)

http://www.startyourfamily.com/2009/05/becoming-parents-of-a-special-needs-child.html

Need Project: – UNEXPECTED JOURNEY: (Ministry NEED PROJECT)

http://www.needproject.org/casts/podcast1033.mp3

WEBSITE: www.joeferrini.com

                         www.cindiferrini.com

Email us via our website!

BOSTON (AP) – “LeBron James says he’s sorry for using the word ‘retarded’ in a postgame news conference.”

I was eager to see if there would be a follow up broadcast to that comment. Indeed, LeBron later apologized for using the “R” word saying, “If I offended anyone, I sincerely apologize.” I’m pretty sure I can stand in the front of the line with many whose children have special needs and say, “It’s not IF you offended anyone.” You did.

When that word is spoken, those of us in that “circle” try to be gracious to spare others embarrassment -  but we hear it. And we heard you.

The apology would have been better phrased, “To those who care for the special needs population of the mentally disabled/challenged (mentally retarded), I am very sorry for my insensitive comment. I understand my comment may not be understood by those who are challenged mentally, but I do understand that I have deeply offended those who care 24/7 for those with special needs of this kind.’

Furthermore, I would love for LeBron (and others who use the “R” word) to offer public service to those who are mentally challenged, to learn what the special needs world of “effort” looks like. Those who have trouble learning, speaking, holding or throwing a basketball or baseball have likely spent hundreds if not thousands of hours in PT (that is Physical Therapy), OT (Occupational Therapy), and SP (Speech Therapy) only to get to a less than hoped for outcome after many years of hard work. These therapies are not working out to better prepare an athlete after a sports injury, rather these therapies are helping the patient to learn to do some of the very things we take for granted. OT helps those who are mentally slow to learn to use their fine motor (fingers and hands) skills for something as noble and simple as feeding themselves. PT was very helpful in teaching my son to balance because he couldn’t sit up on his own – that took a good year and a half to accomplish that one skill. ST was something that took some 12 years in the making to get my son to a point where he could make and form words. Just 12 years.

Yes, all those things took place at the rapid speed of what Webster calls retarded: “slow or limited progress.” Many who are “mentally challenged” or “retarded” have worked like an athlete to achieve little to no recognition; instead they’ve earned the cheers and applause of their parents, siblings, teachers, therapists, (and some family and friends), as they accomplish the mundane.

I could write on and on, but everything else has already been written in the book my husband and I authored: UNEXPECTED JOURNEY-When Special Needs Change our Course. If LeBron is man enough to ask for it and brave enough to read it, I’d send a copy to him free.

“SHARE” this message and let’s see if he’ll ask. Until then, I commend and applaud those caring for those with special needs. May you “go the distance” with grace and dignity - because I know it’s not with ease or comfort!

And JFYI – I’ve waited 30 years to write this – and it’s written with hope to initiate change in how the the “R” word is used.

One who knows,

Cindi Ferrini

www.cindiferrini.com

Philip Yancy writes in his book Prayer: Does it make a Difference? “Why does prayer rank so high on surveys of theoretical importance and so low on surveys of actual satisfaction? What accounts for the disparity between Luther on his knees for several hours and modern prayer fidgeting in a chair after 10 minutes?” He goes on to explain, “In former days farmers prayed for ends to the drought. Today we await the weather forecast. In the former days ill children were prayed for by their parents as they cried out to God. Today we call the ambulance or phone the doctor.” He asks, “How can we ask the Lord to give us this day our daily bread when we have a pantry full of a months’ supply of provisions?” He comes to the conclusion that we need to see prayer as a privilege and not simply as a duty.

Perhaps you have learned as I have, that prayer is conversation with our heavenly Father, and we have the privilege to communicate with Him whether on our knees – reading the bible and praying, or while driving around town and running errands. There are times where focus and attention must be direct and purposeful and I am called to be quiet and listening and other times, I can be “thinking” and praying at the same time, but not with the same kind of attention as in my quieter moments. I know God wants to hear from me at all times, and He is always ready to listen. He also tells us that we should:

• “pray without ceasing” (I Thess. 5:17)
•  Sometimes we pray in secret (Matt. 6:6)
•  Other times He asks us to pray publically
•  Pray for one another (James 5:16)
• Pray for those who suffer (James 5:13)
• Devote ourselves to prayer (Rom.12:12)

How we are doing at what He’s telling us to do? Do you know someone who needs prayer? Let’s get busy and stop fidgeting!